> Dating advice > From a date to a relationship > So, you’ve had a ‘no‘. What now?

From a date to a relationship

So, you’ve had a ‘no‘. What now?

If you’re in the dating game, at some point you are going to have to put up with a rejection. Of course, we’d all like to be the one making the choice, but sometimes we have to take a refusal. What is the best way of dealing with it?

So, you’ve had a ‘no‘. What now?

After the first date he felt confident: things were looking good - or so he thought, until he received an email the next day: “You’re a lovely guy, but …” Rejection is tough, especially if you thought a date held potential; if you receive several rejections in a row, you might start wondering whether it’s something to do with you. Or you come to the conclusion that all men or all women are a bad lot. This kind of attitude doesn’t help. If all possible partners were no good for you, nobody at all would get through the selection process - and what would you be left with then?

Two sides of the coin
If you find yourself thinking in this negative way, it is important to take a more realistic view. You may not be everyone’s dream, but you’re certainly not everyone’s nightmare. Avoid making your self-image reliant on successful first dates - after all, these aren’t people you know or who know you. Reassure yourself with the quality of your relationships with friends and family - and in any case, there will be better dates to come. If you are getting rejections, it is a consequence of being out there making contact - and that is positive in itself. If you are getting in touch with lots of possible dates, then you are going to have to face possible rejection. The only way to avoid rejection would be to do nothing in the first place - and that is hardly a constructive approach. Of course you’d like to be the one saying no, but just think how easy and quick it is to make contacts when you are online; you can send dozens of contact requests at one go while still remaining comfortably anonymous. By the same token, you can reject people or end contact with a simple click of the mouse.

There’s nothing you can do about it
If someone gets one rejection after another, it can - as evidence has shown - have less to do with the person in question than with ‘market conditions’. For instance, people in a particular age group might be especially in demand at a certain time; as a result they might just be rather inundated with approaches, so they have to say ‘no’ to some of them.

It is also worth bearing in mind the timing and circumstances of a rejection; it will often come after the other person has looked through their contact requests and list of suggested partners and before any exchange of emails has taken place. You mustn’t give yourself a hard time imagining what the other person thought about you - none of us can see into somebody else’s mind! Chance circumstances and the other person’s mood can play a part too, of course. Even though Parship tends to go deeper than other online dating sites, the other person still knows relatively little about you, even if you have added a message and a photo to your contact request - and remember that a photo doesn’t provide a view into the depths of your soul. So, try not to take things to heart and keep making contact with members whose profile you find interesting.

Getting personal
If you’ve exchanged a series of emails, and maybe even had a date, it’s even tougher to get a ‘thanks, but no thanks’, but remember that you were still relative strangers. If the other person doesn’t give a reason for bringing things to an end, you can always ask why. Often the reasons have more to do with the other person than with you, but you should be ready to hear things you won’t necessarily like. If you feel you’ve handled things badly, it might be a good idea to elicit the aid of a good friend and ask him or her to take a look at your profile, your photos and the emails you send to your recommended partners on Parship.

When you’re online and in a virtual environment, it’s important to keep expectations realistic - both your own and other people’s - and to avoid ambiguities in communication. It is also essential for you to feel that your own behaviour has been correct. If you find that there was something you could have handled better, then at least you will know for next time. Don’t give yourself a hard time about things and don’t start feeling as though everyone is getting it right apart from you. Positive thinking really does make a difference.

Do the two of us still stand a chance?
It could happen that someone turns you down in a way that you find rude and insensitive. In that case, you should let the other person know that you feel they could have treated you with a little more care - but resist the temptation to engage in a tit for tat exercise.

And then there will be occasions when you simply don’t want to part company yet, when you really feel there is a possibility for the two of you (not to be confused with wounded vanity!). If you feel you owe it to yourself to try again, then go ahead and try again. Explain why you don’t want to accept the reason for the refusal (living 150 miles apart, for example) and present your own case. If you receive another negative rationale, then you should admit defeat graciously, for the moment at least. It can, however, pay off simply to keep in touch occasionally and not engage in a hot pursuit. If nothing works, just tell yourself it’s the other person’s loss. It’s best to try and keep things in proportion. When you’re online with Parship, just remember that you really are doing something that can boost your chances of success.

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