Dear Nafsika,
A few months ago I was in contact with a man who suddenly deleted me. Then he came back on the site and I sent him a totally over the top email which he read, contemplated and rejected (and who can blame him). I am becoming incredibly discouraged and I know I am contributing to my failure rate, but it is getting me down. Maybe I should take a break for a while and give myself time?
I take men as meaning what they say when they say they don't want women who play games. I don't play games, I tell them what I expect from them and what they can expect from me, and they tell me I am laying down too many rules. How can it be too many rules when all I want them to do is acknowledge contact and let me know if they will be out of contact for a while?
Becky
Dear Becky,
Don't be so hard on yourself! Who amongst us hasn't sent the odd mad email when feeling rejected? It may not have done any good, but in all probability even if you had sent a perfectly sensible email, the result would have been the same. People don't usually change their minds.
My view on the games/ rules thing is this: you can't control other people (although obviously it would be great if you could). Playing games, like pretending to be hard to get, when you're not, or telling people precisely what you expect from them are both attempts to control the uncontrollable -how people will react to you, whether they will fancy you and whether they will treat you right. Ultimately all these techniques are doomed to fail -if someone is rude, megalomaniac, emotionally unavailable, generally unreliable or has unrealistic expectations of other people, they're not going to change because you, a virtual stranger, told them to. The only thing you have any control over is how you present yourself and by that I just mean by being yourself but on a good day. Having some self-awareness about what makes you happy and what doesn't, and where you draw the line between a relationship which is worthwhile and a relationship which isn't, also comes in handy. Otherwise, making demands to someone before you are even in a relationship is pointless.
If you're not having fun maybe you should take a break -you don't want to become cynical. Luck will always play a part in finding love, whatever means you use, don't take the lack of success too personally.
Best Wishes, Nafsika
