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8 assumptions to avoid when you’re looking for love

If you are having trouble finding a partner or always end up with someone who isn’t right for you, maybe you are simply working on some mistaken assumptions. It could be that you are blocking your own route to happiness.

8 assumptions to avoid when you’re looking for love

In general, Melissa (38) is pretty happy with the way her life is. An interior designer, she gains a great deal of satisfaction from her job, is also active in the literary world and has a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. Only when it comes to love are things not quite so hunky-dory. She’s been on her own for five years and most recently was involved with a married man she worked with. “I always fall for the wrong men,” she sighs. She always finds some aspect in which they fall short of her expectations - whether it’s bad shoes or not being sufficiently well read. “I’ve got my standards,” she explains. “And I do find it a bit off-putting when a guy is trying too hard.” Have you ever found yourself thinking on similar lines? … There are some other common attitudes that can compromise your chances of finding someone special.

1. “I always fall for the wrong men/women.”
If all your attempts at love fail, it could be that you are secretly convinced that you don’t deserve any better. Of course, being a victim does have its advantages: you don’t have to worry too much about commitment. The truth is that many people are ambivalent about love. Take some time to think about your needs and your anxieties and perhaps reconsider the approach you take - and the kind of people you approach.

2. “I have very high standards.”
If you ruthlessly screen out anyone who doesn’t match your criteria, you could in fact be engaging in a form of self-defence. It becomes like one of those fairytales where the prince is set an impossible task and the princess remains safely locked up in her tower. Try to break free from the clichés that are narrowing your personal horizons.

3. “If they’re too nice to me I go off them.”
It is a strange quirk of human nature that we can be more tempted by often illusory possibilities than by something that seems a safe bet. The result is that a person who is playing games with you can hold more allure than a person who has put their cards on the table. Of course, just because someone has set their heart on you, it doesn’t mean that you have to take up their offer, but your aim should always be to find a partner who genuinely loves and values you.

4. “If he/she is still single, then there must be something wrong with him/her.”
Everybody has their idiosyncrasies and their history, so be prepared to sound prospects out a little rather than dismissing them from the word go because they don’t quite match your specification. Be prepared to make allowances - and be prepared to make informed decisions. Millions of genuine single people now use the Internet to find someone for a relationship, so Parship really is a good place to find someone who really could be right for you.

5. “I need my freedom.”
If someone is very insistent on retaining their independence, it could be that he or she has a fear of not being worthy of love or of losing his or her identity in a relationship. An important stage in your personal development is the admission that you need love and a partner. Yes, there are risks involved, but it is also part of realising your full potential as a human being. Remember that these days a serious relationship can take so many different forms - for instance, there is no obligation for you to live together full-time.

6. ”I’m too independent for most men.”
The traditional male/female roles can be reassuring for some men, but many others like the idea of an independent woman who is in charge of her own life. Might you be a woman who projects an exceptionally strong image because you are afraid of becoming dependent on another person? Next time you go on a date, why don’t you have some fun by toning things down a bit and presenting yourself in a less assertive fashion - it isn’t going to make you come across as some kind of submissive little woman.

7. “When I get serious it’s all over.”
If you are looking for a long-term relationship, then it’s perfectly in order to make this clear right from the beginning, but wait a little before you start talking in earnest (and in detail) about making a home together, getting married and having children. You don’t want the other person to feel as though you are viewing them as a means to an end rather than as a worthwhile individual.

8. “It works for me to stick to certain rules.”
There is no single recipe for love. There is no reason why the famous (or notorious) dating rules expounded by two ‘dating experts’ in New York should be applicable to you. Go at your own pace and don’t let anyone force you into anything.

It has to be said that rules and dogmas can provide a sense a security, especially when they are so ingrained that they become a conditioned reflex, but we must be ready to question and even defy them. With a more flexible and constructive approach we can take ourselves further down the route to finding a genuinely fulfilling relationship.

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